Imposter syndrome.
“And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.” (Romans 8:30)
‘Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.'“ (Matthew 28:30)
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
All of my life I have struggled with perfection. The idea that, unless something is done without blemish, it is not truly complete began somewhere in my childhood and admittedly still taunts me in my twenties. In my first year teaching Kindergarten, I was awakened to the detrimental effect that perfectionism can have on an individual. I found myself critiquing everything I did at work, in relationships, and even with God. Any compliments or affirmation I received sent me into a frenzy of feeling invisible. Somehow I thought that if people complimented me despite the “many” flaws that existed in my mind, that somehow they were not really seeing me. It’s crazy how the devil can so twist your own perception of yourself that when light tries to get in, it is unrecognizable. This feeling of not truly being what people saw me as transferred into my relationships, especially the one I was developing with God. I was praying more and could hear God speaking to me frequently. Yet the voice from within continued to point an accusatory finger at me. This voice reminded me of all the ways I had fallen short in my past, the mistakes I was still learning from, and it pointed out all the other “better” Christians who were more suited for my purpose. See, I could tell that God had given me a gift of being able to articulate my thoughts and gain insight from His word. I knew that He was calling me to use my words for His kingdom but the voice inside continued to whisper “you’re a fraud. Who are you to tell anybody anything?”
I would love to tell you that with one Spirit-filled prayer I was suddenly freed from all doubts and insecurities. Realistically, though, the battle for my mind to align with the thoughts God has for me is a daily one. I can say that one of the biggest reasons for my refusal to give up is the Word. In the midst of feeling like God should have called someone else, Romans 8:29-30 reminded me of the intentionality of God. It reminded me that God is so meticulous with details, and so soveriegn in His plans, that if He called me I could rest assured that He was going to affirm every step of the process. In fact, my love for God did not develop because I had all of the answers. My love for God developed, grew, and pours out now to those around me because even when I did not have a single answer, He stayed by my side and whispered sweet everything’s into my spirit. He told me in Isaiah 54 that no weapon formed (yes, they will be formed) against me will be able to prosper, even when that weapon is a tongue; even when that weapon is myself. He assured me repeatedly that though there are few constants in life, His presence is as sure as the sun rising each morning.
How about you? Have you ever felt like the calling on your life, the job you were working, the relationship you were in was too good for you? You are not alone! Know that even in our imperfection, there is a perfect God who knows what we don’t. Instead of thinking about all the ways you are NOT qualified, what are some things you know that make God qualified to work this out on your behalf?
I’ll start….
He sent His only son Jesus for the sole purpose of introducing Himself to you and dying so that you could have access to His power and salvation. He thought you were to DIE for.
